funny quotes

[mkfly67]

Vote early and vote often.
- Al Capone

No, I look at the Senators and pray for the country.
- Edward Everett Hale

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
- Milton Berle

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Anonymous

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
- Adlai Stevenson

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
- Alben W. Barkley

Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
- Frank Dane

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
- Edward Abbey

One thing I can say about George…he may not be able to keep a job, but he’s not boring.
- Barbara Bush

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. O’Rourke

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow

[mkfly67]

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
- Peter De Vries

Life is an incurable disease.
- Abraham Crowley

Life is simple, its just not easy.
- Anonymous

Born to be wild – live to outgrow it.
- Lao Tzu

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
- Jean Paul Sartre

An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived.
- Herbert Samuel

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up.
- Anonymous

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, I am with you kid Let’s go!
- Maya Angelou

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.
- Bertrand Russell

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
- John Barrymore

[mkfly67]

I can’t be funny if my feet don’t feel right.
- Billy Crystal

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
- Milton Berle

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

Humor is despair refusing to take itself seriously.
- Arland Ussher

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Proverb

Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
- Anonymous

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Robert Benchley

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Will Rogers

Church gate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.
- Bill Cosby

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Earl Wilson

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
- Will Rogers

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super-fly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly!
- Eddie Murphy

[mkfly67]

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- Ingrid Bergman

All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
- John Gunther

Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
- Anonymous

In Hollywood, if you don’t have happiness you send out for it.
- Rex Reed

Happiness is a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
- Jean Jacques Rousseau

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
- Gertrude Stein

You can usually tell when I’m happy by the fact that I’ve gained weight.
- Christy Turlington

A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.
- Frank Sinatra

[mkfly67]

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan

A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.
- Unknown

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends’ shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
- Benjamin Franklin

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.
- Charles Lamb

I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.

- Virginia Woolf